


Now You Have Me

by orphan_account



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Drug Withdrawal, Family Bonding, Mommy Issues, Mother-Daughter Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-21
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-22 06:39:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10691793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: My take on Nicky's arrival at Litchfield, and how Red helps her cope.





	1. Chapter 1

Red found her in the shower. She’d known, somehow, that was where she would be. 

Red hadn’t been born yesterday. During her many years at Litchfield, she had seen enough drug addicts detox to know what they looked like, and how they thought. In most cases, the first night was spent in the bathroom, glued to the toilet.

Normally, she left them to their own devices; not her problem. But this one was different. 

From the moment they’d met, Red had seen something in this girl. She’d just been coming in, the orange of her uniform standing out in the sea of beige. Red had automatically been drawn to her, allowing her eyes to follow the new arrival until she’d rounded the corner. She thought she’d heard one of the guards call her Nichols. 

Nichols. 

When their eyes met for the first time, Red had seen a combination of desperation and resigned sadness in the girl’s that had brought out the best in her - if you called motherly instinct and protectiveness the best in someone.

So, she’d remained awake until she was certain the guards wouldn’t notice if she left, and gone straight to the washroom. Norma, being perceptive as she was, followed her.

As Red had expected, Nichols was there, moaning like a wounded animal. It hurt the older woman’s heart to see someone in such pain.

Quickly, she crossed the room and took the girl in her arms.

“Norma’s gonna get you some mouthwash. A clean mouth makes you feel better, hm?” She didn’t know who she was trying to reassure as she led them both over to the sink. 

Carefully, with a gentleness only an experienced mother could have, Red cleaned her face, imparting the best advice she could possibly give.

“You’ve gotta hit rock bottom before you know which direction to go in… welcome to the floor, kid.”

Nichols was in quite a state, so much so that Red relented and said what she knew the girl needed to hear most, even if it wasn’t entirely the truth.

“It’ll be better from now on.” 

Her accent was thicker, to the point that her words felt coated in it, and her voice shook with emotion. Red already felt so much for the girl in her arms, even though they’d barely spoken, and she knew that they would be close. Red could easily see taking Nichols into her family. It seemed natural. But Red would never allow a member of her family to get away with something like this, and even though they hadn’t known each other for more than a few moments she could already feel herself falling in love. It was out of that love that she spoke next:

“And what I’ll do to you if you use again will hurt a lot more than this. Remember what I’m saying!”

She almost shook the poor girl, trying to show her how important it was that she understand, but realized that physical movement might only make her situation worse. So, instead, she settled for pulling her in tighter, offering her shoulder to cry on both literally and figuratively. Nichols readily took it, sobbing unabashedly until no more tears would come, and then shaking silently for a time. Eventually, she slowed and then stopped, and only when she felt completely still in Red’s arms did the senior inmate speak again.

“What’s your name, honey?” 

“Nicky,” she got out, quiet and unsure, the first word she’d spoken since Red had arrived.

“Nicky,” Red repeated, testing it on her tongue. “I like that. Powerful.” 

“Thanks,” Nicky said, her voice coming out stronger now.

“It’s my pleasure, sweetheart.” 

“I won’t use again, I swear,” Nicky’s tone was vehement and her eyes were shining as they locked with Red’s. Something about the older woman made Nicky unable to entertain the thought of letting her down. Even though they’d just met, Nicky felt a bond, a connection, that she already sorely needed in this place. She felt like they’d been together for years, side by side in everything, and longed to make that a reality.

Red gave a reassuring smile and patted Nicky on the back.

“Now that’s more like it.”

Nicky returned the smile with one of her own, feeling a disproportionate sense of accomplishment at making Red’s face light up like that. 

She could tell that Red wasn't the type to smile often. They had that in common. She didn't take shit, Nicky already knew, but she protected her loved ones whether they were blood related or not. She'd seen how Red handled her so-called ‘prison daughters’ at lunch. Even though it was only her first day, it was obvious to Nicky that Red would do anything in her power to keep those close to her safe. 

And, Nicky found, she longed to be part of that. 

Her own mother had never cared enough about her to even talk to her, let alone help her out of her drug problem. Marka had always cared more about her precious money than Nicky. 

If Nicky were able to become Red’s daughter, in any respect, she knew her time here would be so much easier to endure. 

“I… thank you,” Nicky said finally. “You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“It's no big deal,” Red waved her off. “I'm sure you had someone taking care of you at home, I just want to help too.”

Nicky’s lip trembled, and she bit down on it hard, almost like a reflex. 

“No, actually,” she managed in a whisper. “My mom throws money at her problems and expects them to go away.” As she spoke of her mother, Nicky grew resentful. “She threw money at me, and, oh look who didn't stop using drugs! Look who ended up in fucking prison!”

And suddenly, as Nicky looked into Red’s eyes and saw nothing but compassion and a deep worry, all her anger faded into tired sadness. She had to grip the side of the sink to keep from collapsing under the weight of her emotions. 

But, for once, someone was there to catch her. Red held her up, supported her, made her whole again with kind words and assurances. There was no judgement in Red’s actions - only caring. It was almost enough to bring her back to tears.

“Well,” Red resolved, her tone instilled with a confidence more meant for Nicky’s benefit than her own, “now you have me.”

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, silly girl, that you’re entitled to a mother who will actually care for you. You should have had one all your life, but I’ll settle for fixing the present where the past can’t be changed.”

Everything, Red knew, had been worth it just for the look on Nicky’s face at these words.

“Are-are you kidding me? You’re not fucking with me?”

Quicker than Nicky could think, she was swept into a tight embrace.

“No, Nicky. I would never lie to you. That’s the first thing you need to learn. I am many things, but I am not a liar. Now.” Red carefully let go of Nicky, making sure the younger woman looked as well as she could under the circumstances. “We’d both better get back to the dorms, before someone gets suspicious.”

“Of course,” Nicky said, the smile on her face coming unbidden. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Of course,” Red repeated, her grin matching her newest daughter’s. “Sleep well.”

As Nicky reached the door, she turned back at the last moment to find Red watching her. She leaned against the doorframe for a moment.

“Goodnight… Ma.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There were constants. Every day, Nicky would wake at the same time, though she didn’t specifically intend to. She would change if she felt like it, but if not nobody noticed. Her hair always looked messy, so she didn’t do anything to it, and she was always early to breakfast.
> 
> Red was always there, and she always said the same thing:
> 
> ‘Today will be as good as you choose to make it, Nicky. Make it worth something.’
> 
> And Nicky began to believe her, bit by bit."

Red stayed in the washroom a long time after Nicky left, staring at but not really seeing the place her daughter had just been. 

 

Taking in a new child, to protect and care for, was always a lengthy process for Red. She never trusted them fully immediately, especially those who were detoxing. So how had this been so easy?

 

Red supposed she’d seen how lost Nicky was. The other girls all had begun with some sense of distrust toward all their fellow inmates. That Red could understand - after all, prisoners weren’t known for their hospitality.

 

But Nicky had been able to trust Red so easily. She’d shown Red her most vulnerable state and been completely unembarrassed about it, and that fact alone made Red inclined to help her further. 

 

Another part of it, Red supposed, was the fact that Nicky had never had a real mother before. Not in the most important sense. Her other girls, for the most part, had parents on the outside who cared for them. Nicky’s mother -from what little Red had heard- sounded like she couldn’t care  _ less  _ about Nicky.

 

_ That woman should never have been a parent,  _ Red thought angrily,  _ if she can’t even take the time to help her own daughter! _

 

Red surprised herself with the fierceness and depth of her devotion to Nicky, which seemed to have developed in less than an hour. 

 

_ Am I going soft?  _ She wondered.

 

The next day at lunch, Nicky stood out to her just as much, if not more, than she had before. But this time, it wasn’t the orange that caught Red’s eye. It was the tired, gaunt look to Nicky’s face, making her features appear long and weak. 

 

As Nicky joined the lunch line, Red took one of the servers by the shoulder and pulled her to the side.

 

“I’ve got this one,” she said. The woman gave a knowing smile. Red returned a smirk. 

 

Nicky stepped up with an empty tray. Red caught her eye and watched her seriously.

 

“Sleep well?” 

 

“Not really.”

 

“I can tell.” Red gave her a little extra, just to show that she cared, and Nicky responded with a small, half-hearted smile that tugged at Red’s heartstrings.

 

“Thanks,” she said, and walked away toward the seating area. Red turned the service back over and watched Nicky find an unoccupied table. She heaved a small sigh and went into the back.

 

~*~*~

 

Nicky picked at the food Red had given her, trying to eat but knowing it would all come back up later. She glanced around at the other tables and watched as women -friends- spoke to one another. Nicky had never, she was sure, felt more alone than this.

 

Back home, she could have called a buddy to go hang out with even if Marka was being a bitch -which, admittedly, was often.- Here, nobody knew her. She didn’t know them. There was no point in  _ getting  _ to know them, really.

 

She managed a small bite of eggs, grimacing as it aggravated her already sore throat. A swishing sound caught her attention.

 

Looking up, Nicky saw a small carton of yogurt sitting in front of her, next to her tray. Glancing around, confused, her eyes landed on Red just across from her.

 

Despite herself, Nicky grinned and picked it up. This must have been difficult to spare.

 

“Hey, thanks!”

 

“We had extra,” Red replied, waving her off. But Nicky understood that this was a gesture that meant more than leftover food.

 

Red was showing her that she was  _ not  _ alone here. Nicky couldn’t believe how quickly she had forgotten that. Red was her friend, fast becoming so much more than that, and Nicky needed her. Red had just shown that she knew that, and that she was here for Nicky.

 

She fought the urge to get up and hug the Russian, right here in the cafeteria. They both had images to maintain. Instead, she opened the container and cautiously dipped her spoon into it, sighing in relief as it went down easily.

 

“Yogurt’s the best for a burning throat,” Red said. “I thought you might need it.”

 

“I did,” Nicky responded gratefully. “Thank you.”

 

“What are mothers for?” Red gave a modest smile, a small thing, and left Nicky to think over her words.

 

What  _ were  _ mothers for, anyway? Nicky had a rather skewed perception. Marka had never done anything remotely motherly in their entire association. Nicky supposed a child wasn’t in her plans for life.

 

Red had been a mom before meeting Nicky, she knew. So Red had experience, and Nicky guessed she could trust what Red was doing to be a much more accurate representation.

 

Nicky doubted she’d ever know what a ‘normal’ mother looked like. It simply wasn’t in the cards for her. But Red  _ did  _ give her a sense of contentment. Something solid in a sea of unknowns. Someone steady. Nicky could already see that Red cared deeply for her, and she for Red, and that seemed all that mattered at the moment.

 

~*~*~

 

The next few weeks passed, not without difficulty, but with routine. Some days were worse than others - some nights were spent in the washrooms. But Red held her hair back and whispered soothing words, and when the nightmares came gave her a place to go. To feel safe. To feel loved. Sometimes, they would talk. Others, they would just lie together. It didn’t matter to Red, as long as her daughter was okay. 

 

There were constants. Every day, Nicky would wake at the same time, though she didn’t specifically intend to. She would change if she felt like it, but if not nobody noticed. Her hair always looked messy, so she didn’t do anything to it, and she was always early to breakfast.

 

Red was always there, and she always said the same thing:

 

‘Today will be as good as you choose to make it, Nicky. Make it worth something.’

 

And Nicky began to believe her, bit by bit.

 

She began to make friends, people who would sit with her during meals and come to her aid if needed. And she would come to theirs - even if it was about something as stupid as fantasy wedding plans.

 

Precisely three weeks after her arrival, she received her khakis. Her emotions were mixed that day. 

 

For one, she felt like she wouldn’t stand out so much in a crowd anymore. That was good. But at the same time, home seemed that one step further away.

 

“Look at it this way,” Red had said when she’d explained this, “Instead of it being one step away, you’re one step closer to finishing your sentence and getting out of this hellhole.”

 

“You always know just what to say,” she’d responded.

 

“It’s my job, honey.”

 

For the first time since her arrival at Litchfield, Nicky’s life felt decent. Not just a piece of it, not just a person, but everything felt… almost normal. Lorna was obsessing over Christopher, as usual, Norma was silent, as usual, Gina was… Gina, and Big Boo was terrorizing anyone she could get her hands on. 

 

And, of course, things with Red were perfect. They were growing closer every day, and learning more and more about each other as they did. She felt like she could go to any one of them and they wouldn’t hesitate to help her out, with Boo being the possible exception, but exceptions made the rule, right? 

 

They, she was sure, were the closest thing to a family she’d ever know, and their bonds were only growing stronger with time.

 

But it only took one mistake for everything to come crashing down on her head.

 

It was a particularly bad day for Nicky. Her detoxing was taking a lot longer than she’d expected it to, and even now she was still finding it hard to stomach some things. She barely noticed when a girl she didn’t know slid in next to her.

 

“Hey,” said the newcomer. “I’m Miller. Trisha.”

 

“Nichols. Nicky,” she replied, rather automatically.

 

“Nice to meet you.” Trisha, too, was only moving her food around on the plate. “Hey, uh, listen. I heard you’re detoxing right now, huh?”

 

Nicky couldn’t think of much to do but nod, so she did. Trisha smiled.

 

“I’ll make you a deal,” she started. “Actually, nah. Consider it a gift. Remember me later, or some shit.” With that, she got up and left the table. 

 

Nicky had been so lost in thought that it took her several seconds to notice the bag of what she guessed was heroin that Trisha had slipped into her hands.

  
_ Shit... _


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know you gotta tell Red, right?” She said eventually. 
> 
> “Yeah,” Nicky agreed, nodding, “yeah, I do, it's just…” Her gaze dropped to her hands. 
> 
> “...what if she stops loving me, Morello?”

Slight AU in that I made a few changes to bunk assignments and the like. 

Nicky’s thoughts were a mess. Everything was happening lightning quick, and it took a good deal of effort to focus on any one thing during the maelstrom of emotion that was her current reality. 

It started with the bunk assignment. 

She'd woken at her usual time, and it all set in motion so immediately that she didn't even have time to think about Trisha. 

“Hey, you. Nichols!” 

Of course it would have to be Mendez. 

“You've been assigned. Get your shit.”

Since she'd been asleep mere moments ago, Nicky was a bit slow on the uptake, but the neurons fired in the end and she collected her meager belongings in record time.

“See you later, bitches,” she said at the door as Pornstache shoved her along. 

Walking through the halls with her bag was easier said than done, but eventually Nicky was able to get to C Dorm. Disgustedly, Mendez pointed her to the bunk she was to assume as hers.

“Seems like someone in here has a soft spot for you, Nichols. I don't know how you did it, but…”

Just as she rolled her eyes and was about to demand an explanation, he continued. 

“Eh. See if I care. You're in electrical. Report to Luscheck tomorrow after breakfast.” He turned and left without a backward glance, leaving Nicky with many more questions than answers. With a sigh, she squared her shoulders and headed for her new cube, tossing her personal effects onto the mattress. 

As she looked up, Nicky surveyed the other side of the room and the items therein. There was a small stack of books on one of the tables, and a makeup bag and mirror on the other. A homemade crochet blanket with a matching pillow rested on the mattress. 

With a start, Nicky realized that these were Red’s things. It even smelled faintly like her. She must not have been paying attention - after all, Nicky had been here many nights. As she personalized her own bunk, Nicky’s thoughts strayed, traveling back to the drugs Trisha had slipped her as her body worked on autopilot. 

She knew she had to tell someone. If she was honest, she knew exactly who that was. But she couldn't face that yet. So, she would tell another first. Get advice. But who? Who would listen and care? 

Lorna. Of course. Morello always listened. 

Since she had nothing better to do today, there was no sense in putting it off. Nicky found herself wandering toward Morello’s cube as soon as she finished with her pictures. 

Lorna was, as usual, working on her honeymoon poster board. All in pink and yellow - she said those were her wedding colors. 

Nicky guessed it was a coping mechanism, not a real event. A way to find some sense of normalcy. She watched Morello for a while, leaned against the wall of the cubicle, until Lorna looked up in her own time. 

“Oh, hey Nichols! Come on in!” 

“Hey, Morello,” Nicky replied, her tone subdued as she sat on the bed next to Lorna. “Uh… can I talk to you about something?”

That piqued her interest. Morello put down her supplies and gave Nicky her full attention. 

“Sure! What's up?”

Carefully, slowly, and barely without tears, Nicky told Lorna everything. She slowly brought the bag out of her pocket and handed it to Lorna, whose fingers closed around it in a vice-like grip. Nicky waited for a reaction as Lorna watched the bag pensively. 

“You know you gotta tell Red, right?” She said eventually. 

“Yeah,” Nicky agreed, nodding, “yeah, I do, it's just…” Her gaze dropped to her hands. 

“...what if she stops loving me, Morello?”

Lorna had to fight not to laugh - it would have been completely inappropriate. 

“You know, Nichols, for such a smart girl you sure can be stupid. That's just bullshit.”

Despite herself, Nicky chuckled quietly. Lorna joined her after a time. 

“She's still gonna love you, no matter what you do,” Lorna added. “You're her weakness.”

“You really think so?”

“Hell yeah! You're her Spock!” Morello grinned. “And… it's the right thing to do.”

“You sure?”

“Mhm.”

After that, Morello lost herself in wedding plans again. Nicky pretended to be paying attention, but in reality her thoughts were elsewhere. 

She wanted to take it. Lord knew she wanted to take it. Who wouldn't? It had taken everything she'd had not to already use it. Nicky had to remember how disappointed Red would be - and she simply could not disappoint Red. 

It was obvious that she should tell the older woman. They could deal with it together. But the fact that she had drugs in her possession at all could anger Red beyond anything… 

No. What would be worse, much worse, was if Red found out about this from anyone but Nicky. If that were true, Red would think she didn't trust her. Or, worse, that Nicky had been planning to use. Neither of those were viable options, so Nicky's path was painfully clear. 

She stood, abruptly, briskly, so much so that Morello startled. Understanding that Nicky was about to leave, Lorna handed back the bag. 

“Give it to Red, okay?”

“Yeah,” she muttered, already halfway out the door. 

Nicky shoved it into the back pocket of her pants and headed back to her cubicle. Red still hadn't returned - good. She scoped out everything, trying to find a reasonable hiding place. She felt a need to keep it safe, even if she knew it wasn't something she'd use. It felt almost like a safety blanket. 

But that was the problem, wasn't it? She couldn't afford that kind of thinking. Not in here. 

There was a small roll of tape in the cupboard. Carefully and quickly, Nicky attached the bag to the underside of the bed frame. Seemed as good a spot as any. 

She lay on the bed for a while, staring at the ceiling and lost in the world of her thoughts. They moved in circles, only serving to confuse her further until she didn't even know what to think. 

As a way not to think anymore, Nicky willed herself to fall asleep. It didn't take much - she was drained, both physically and emotionally. 

It seemed like only moments later that she was brought back to wakefulness. At first, she didn't know what had done it, but as she rolled over to face the room at large Nicky could see that Red was seated on her own bunk, watching her. 

She flashed a small smile, which Red returned. 

“So, you're my new bunkmate?” Red asked it quietly, as if afraid of breaking something fragile with her words. 

“Yeah, seems like it.” Nicky sat up to see Red properly, and noticed the bags under her eyes immediately. “You look exhausted.”

“I am exhausted.” She yawned softly. 

“Then go to sleep, huh?”

Nicky would tell her tomorrow. She didn't want to saddle Red with more baggage than she already carried. 

“I'm tired, but I've been trying to fall asleep for awhile now,” her mother admitted. On a whim, Nicky stood and crossed to the other bunk, crawling in next to Red. She felt the older woman relax immediately, wrapping her arms around Nicky as if they'd done this many times before. In reality, they'd never been able to fall asleep in each other's presence until now. Curfew didn't allow it. 

It was times like these that Nicky felt the depth of Red’s trust and love for her. In the special things - the little ways they cared for each other as they would nobody else. 

“I love you,” Nicky whispered. 

“I love you, too,” Red replied softly. Nicky felt her fading into unconsciousness. 

Would Red still be able to say those words when she learned about what Nicky had done?

~*~*~

Red woke to a bundle of warmth in her arms, and sighed in contentment. It had been so long since there had been anyone in her bed but her, in one way or another, and it made her feel so much better. 

She felt a rush of love for Nicky, because her daughter trusted her enough to fall asleep in her arms. Maybe the young woman had thought along the same lines last night. 

Sure, they had their problems, but they could get through anything if they had each other. 

Recently, Nicky had seemed to avoid her. Red had been confused about it, but of course she would respect her choices. But if it was a safety issue, or mistrust, Red would have to talk to Nicky about it and she would hope her daughter would tell her. 

It made Red slightly nervous to think Nicky was keeping something from her. She hoped to all hell she was wrong. 

As quietly as possible, she shifted so her weight rested less on Nicky and more on the bed. Against her wishes, the movement stirred the other woman. Red smiled softly. 

“Good morning,” she said. 

“Hey,” Nicky replied, her voice rusty. She looked so innocent in these first few moments between sleep and consciousness, when she recognized nothing but a friendly face and a warm bed. 

It was almost painful for Red to watch the reality of where she was wash over Nicky as if it was the first time. She desperately wished to spare her daughter that suffering, but had no way to do so. 

Over the years, it had gotten easier for Red. She was so used to prison life that waking up here wasn't so much a shock anymore. She knew, though, if she told Nicky it would get better the girl would never believe her. She did all she could think to do - she gathered her girl in her arms and held her with love. 

What Red had no way to know, of course, was that Nicky's stricken look had much more to do with the company than the location, but she lost herself easily in the Russian’s comforting words all the same. Nicky knew, in that moment, it had to be now. 

“Hey, Red?” Her speech was muffled by the way her face was pressed into the older woman; as if she wouldn't be safe unless she literally burrowed into Red. 

“Yes?” A tinge of amusement colored her tone. 

“I-I got something to tell you.” 

At once, Red was fully alert, carefully disengaging enough to face Nicky head on. 

“You can tell me anything, you know that don't you?”

“Yeah, of course,” Nicky assured. She knew any words to calm Red now would only aggravate her, so instead she crossed back to her bunk and felt for the tape. 

Red looked on, bewildered, trying to understand what could possibly be happening, but Nicky was back as quickly as she had gone. 

“Now, when you see it, you have to let me explain. Okay?”

Nervously, Red nodded slowly. 

“Okay.”

She couldn't help the fact that she went white as a sheet as soon as Nicky brought the bag from behind her. Even entertaining the thought that her Nicky had gone back to that place terrified her beyond reason - but she would honor what her daughter had asked of her. 

“I didn't take it. I swear I didn't. You've gotta take it from me, ‘cuz if you don't I still probably will. And I really don't wanna let you down like that.”

At a loss for words, Red nodded again, and woodenly extended a hand. Her thoughts were slowed, so much so that she was still now processing everything. 

She was asking Red to take them, so she wouldn't… 

The only reason she hadn't done it already was because she wanted to justify the trust Red had placed in her. For all intents and purposes, Red was the only thing keeping this wonderful young girl from taking a hit. It was a responsibility she would wear gladly. 

But she had to know. 

“Who the hell gave this to you,” she asked, quietly but not without anger. The truth was, she was afraid of the answer, but fear was not a good color on Red and anger looked so much better in hindsight. After several moments of silence, she prodded again, tucking the bag and it's contents into her pocket. “I'll find out from someone else if you don't tell me, Nicky…” 

“Fine,” Nicky said, her tone almost resigned, “Trisha. Okay? It was Trisha.”

Red sighed, shaking her head. That girl was on a one-way track to bad places, and even she knew it. But to try dragging Nicky down with her? That was low, even for Miller. 

“I failed you,” Nicky continued, her voice breaking over the second syllable, “I’m so, so, sorry. If you don't want me in the family anymore…”

“Now listen to me, my sweet girl,” Red interrupted, taking Nicky's face between her palms, “that will never happen. Never. Understand me? I love you, and that will not change. You brought this to me, instead of giving into it. That says so much about you. You're making great progress here, Nicky. I need you to know I will not abandon you.”

At this, a few tears managed to escape Nicky's eyes, but Red wiped them away with her thumbs and rested their foreheads together. 

“I am not that kind of mother.”

“I know,” Nicky said. “And I love you for it.”


	4. Chapter 4

Red’s world was her anger. Her entire being was filled with it. She could think of nothing but vengeance and contempt. 

 

Tricia had just come to Red’s office. She'd looked nervous, but defiant, and had begun to speak casually about the weather. 

 

Red had thought she was in a calmer place about this. Clearly, she wasn't. 

 

“Tricia,” she’d interrupted impatiently, “why the hell are you here?”

 

“Just wanted to talk, that's all.” Her face was the picture of innocence. Red had fought to keep hers neutral. 

 

“Surely not about the  _ weather _ .” 

 

“Okay, nah. You got me there.”

 

“So  _ get on with it _ ,” Red had prompted, almost in a growl. 

 

“Kay. I just thought you might like to know that Nichols is using again. I tried to stop her, man, but she-”

 

And now, in an instant, the younger woman was up against the wall, face-to-face with an extremely incensed Russian. Her windpipe was blocked by Red’s arm, which also held her up. 

 

“Now listen to me, you manipulative  _ bitch,  _ if you ever try anything like that  _ again _ I will personally make sure your life is a living hell.” She released the girl, who sank to the floor, clutching her neck, but Red dragged her back to her feet. “I trust Nicky more than I will  _ ever  _ trust you, and she told me  _ you  _ gave her those drugs. I think it goes without saying that you will never be a part of my family again.” 

 

With a sharp slap to the face, Red stalked out, even though it was her own private space. She needed to punch something, and still had enough sense left to know it couldn't be Tricia. 

 

But as she walked, her anger dissipated into sadness - for Tricia, and her fucked up morals, for Nicky and her unwitting part in this… 

 

A few more steps and she was in the kitchen, where she felt most at home on a  _ good _ day. Right now, she needed to lose herself in something, and this was the best place to do that. 

 

Lunch was nearly ready, as Red soon discovered, but she was able to put finishing touches on most of it. Really, it was the ordering people around that was helping her. She couldn't control Tricia, she didn't  _ want  _ to control Nicky, but her kitchen was an environment in which her word went. 

 

As lunch rush quieted down, and everyone but Red cleared out, Nicky wandered into the kitchen. 

 

“Hey, what gives? I've been looking for you all day!”

 

Red sighed, collecting herself before turning to her daughter. “Come, sit with me,” she said, sliding onto the tabletop. Nicky joined her with more ease than Red herself had, and she felt a playful kind of resentment toward her daughter. 

 

Red had always been taught that it was best to tell the truth. Lies always made things worse in the end. So, she did. 

 

“Tricia came to see me today.” She looked down at her hands and felt rather than heard Nicky's sharp breath. “She ‘reported’ to me that you were using again, and that she had tried to stop you.”

 

“You-you didn't believe her, right?” Nicky's voice was small, unsure. 

 

“No, of course not. I trust you more than I will ever trust her. In fact, I told her as much.” She watched her daughter for a reaction, and laughed when a grin lit her features. 

 

“I also told her that she has no place in our family from now on. You don't deserve to be fucked around like that.”

 

“I love you, Ma.” To Red, it seemed to come from nowhere - both the statement and the endearment; when put together, it was enough to make Red’s normally firm composure crack. A few tears slipped down her cheeks as she pulled Nicky into a fierce hug. 

 

“You know, that's the first time you've called me that,” she whispered into the younger woman’s hair. 

 

“I was wondering what that was about,” Nicky replied quietly. 

 

“I love you too,  _ radost’ moya. _ ”

 

“What does that mean?” Red chuckled. 

 

“‘My joy.’ It means ‘my joy.’ You are my one ray of sunshine in this dark place, Nicky. I don't have many words that can properly express that, least of all in English.”

 

The only reaction Nicky would have noticeably given to any outside view was to tuck even closer into Red, but the older woman could feel a damp spot on her shirt. She stroked her daughter’s hair and enjoyed the moment of peace. 

 

But, as surely as she knew that times like these were few and far between, she also knew that it wasn't meant to last and they both had places to be. All the same, she did her best to memorize everything about this moment, so she would be able to look back on it later.

 

“I think you’re due in Electrical,” she said, not without regret. Nicky nodded, pulling away reluctantly.

 

“I’ll come see you later,” Nicky promised as she slipped out the door. “Okay?”

 

Red nodded, and with a small wave her daughter was gone. 

  
Thoughtfully, she pulled the drugs that had started all this out of her pocket. It was now her responsibility to dispose of them… but how would she do so? Clearly, she wasn’t needed right now for anything more pressing. One glance around would tell you that much. So, she tucked the bag away again and started to walk, taking up a brisk pace, toward Boo’s cubicle.


End file.
